Archive for March, 2006

Definition of Programmer

Friday, March 31st, 2006
Definition of ProgrammerProgrammer:A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.

Befuddled PC Users…

Friday, March 31st, 2006
Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines, and no Question Seems to be Too Basic From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994. Reprinted without permission AUSTIN, Texas – The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn’t gether new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked thewoman what happened when she pushed the power button. “I’ve pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens,” thewoman replied. “Foot pedal?” the technician asked. “Yes,” the womansaid, “this little white foot pedal with the on switch.” The “footpedal,” it turned out, was the computer’s mouse, a hand-operated devicethat helps to control the computer’s operations.[boring stuff deleted] Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techiesneeding help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homesexploding as new “multimedia” functions gain mass appeal, PC makers saythat as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partlybecause of the volume of calls, some computer companies have startedcharging help-line users. [boring stuff deleted] John Wolf: “A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Conturawould not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something tohappen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, sheasked, ‘What power switch?’” Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people havecalled to ask where the “any” key is when “Press Any Key” flashes on thescreen that Compaq is considering changing the command to “Press Return Key.”Some people can’t figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technicalsupport supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hardto control with the “dust cover” on. The cover turned out to be theplastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschangsays one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because themouse works only if it’s moved over a flat surface. Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan saysa customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from hisold diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed todiagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done withthe diskette. The customer’s response: “I put a label on the diskette,roll it into the typewriter…” At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician’s request thatshe send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customerarrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And atDell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back inthe drive and “close the door.” Asking the technician to “hold on,” thecustomer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut thedoor to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive. The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dellcustomer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything.After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the manwas trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitorscreen and hitting the “send” key. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dellechnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got mecouple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was asoftware store, the man said, “Oh! I thought you meant for me to find acouple of geeks.” Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damagingparts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that hiskeyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, andthen removing all the keys and washing them individually. Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, sayshe once calmed a man who became enraged because “his computer had told him hewas bad and an invalid.” Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer’s”bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally. These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking onthe role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, whoonce worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domesticfight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after theman had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background. There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if ithappens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dellevery time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walkhim through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feelinguplifted by the process.

PC Manifesto V3.0

Friday, March 31st, 2006
The PC Manifesto V3.0 Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X. (C) 1992 – All Rights Reserved “…In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit.” – Prof. Dr. Skippy “Houng Lau” Whitmore Berkeley CA, 1965 ————————————————————————- PC PRIMER ————————————————————————- Q: WHAT IS P.C.? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded. Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC? Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny ARE white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty. Q: WHY? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world–slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down. Q: HOW? It’s simple. You’ve got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don’t want to offend anyone. Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE? That’s right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon’s IMAGINE. Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC? Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy “Rain Forest Crunch?” Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don’t let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don’t use aerosol. And by all means, don’t burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, your living in God’s country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don’t do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O’Connor, Sting, or k.d. Lang. Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, “FUR.” They hate that. And don’t EVER eat meat. Q: DON’T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?! Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you’re oppressing animals! Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD? No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn’t. Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS? The general rule is as follows: IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS. Examine the following chart: RIGHTS NO RIGHTS ——– ———– cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers harbor seals barnacles Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC? Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes with Xs on them if they’re all natural fibers. Above all, ALWAYS question authority! Q: BUT WAIT, I THOUGHT- Don’t worry, that’s not important. Q: WELL, I’M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT THIS. If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It’s that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right. Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC? Good question. It’s important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows: Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes – The liberal is right. No – The white person is oppressing the ethnic person. Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues. Here’s a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It’s fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet! Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC? It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined. Q: BUT ISN’T THAT CENSORSHIP? The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That’s not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it “selective” speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can’t allow that kind of verbal assault. Q: I’VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE “BLACK,” “INDIAN.” ETC. Yes. That’s part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take “black” for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin? Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIRCHARACTER? No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships! Q: I’M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE? No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman, however, there should be some. Q: HEY, WOULDN’T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN? Technically, yes. But that’s not the kind of African-American we mean. We mean BLACK African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African U.S. immigrant is not an African-American either. Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT? For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook. Q: I’D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO? Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflec
t cultural biases. Q: I DON’T GET IT. Well, the way the system works now, “select” under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong. Q: IT IS? Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else. Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT. It IS right. That’s the beauty of PC. Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF? Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial or ethnic slur. Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE. “What’s black and white and red all over?” has been staple humor for decades. Not PC- It can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, “Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle African-American.” Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that’s a small price to pay for social equality. Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT? Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon… Be PC. Or you’re an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig. ————————————————————————- PC LEXICON ————————————————————————- “Insensitive Term” “Preferred Term” —————— —————- Black – African-American (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.) Oriental – Asian-American (NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED “REAL” MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL) Indian – Native-American Indigenous Peoples of N American Continent (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC: Atlanta Braves Cleveland Indians Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins AVOID THESE CITIES!!! And never buy tickets from a “scalper”!) Chicano – Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong Chico and the Man episodes Cisco Kid Rosarita Salsa Speedy Gonzales BOYCOTT THEM!!) White Trash – PC Unaware Rustically Inclined WASP (white male) – Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO) Sex – Gender (PCers don’t like the word “sex” as it has confusing connotations) Woman – Womyn, Vaginal-American Girl – Pre-Womyn Housewife – Domestic Engineer Fireman – Firefighter Stewardess – Flight Attendant Meter Maid – Parking Enforcement Aduciator Post Man – Post Person Mail Man – Person Person Policeman (cop, pig) – Law Enforcement Officer Baton Boy Cal. Clubber Prostitute – Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home) MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON – Earth Children Handicapped – Differently Abled Handi-Capable (Blind – Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive Deaf – Visually Oriented) Poor – Economically Unprepared Bum – Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Philosophy Major Hunter – Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher Commercial Fisherman – Flipper Whipper Whaler – Blubber Lover Old Person / Elderly – Senior Citizens 4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced Conservative – Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig Drug Addict – Chemically Challenged Bald – Comb-Free Vegetable – Noble Unconscious Hero Bisexual – Sexually Non-preferential Midget, Dwarf – Little People Vertically Challenged Insane People – Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers Tree-Hugger – Environmental Activist Logger – Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Treeslayer Obese/Fat – Differently Weighted – People of Mass – Gravitationally Challenged Corpse/Stiff/Etc. – Victim of GlosBiDS (Global Systematic Biological Dysfunction Syndrome) Far East – Asia Censorship – Selective Speech B.C. – B.C.E. Older Students – Non-Traditional New-Traditional Learning Disability – Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Used Books – Recycled Books Berkeley – Mecca Broken Home – Dysfunctional Family HouseBroken – Family Dysfunction Mercy Killing – Euthanasia Putting.. Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery Insult – Emotional Rape Cattle Ranch – Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) “Moo-shwitz” Senile Bag o’ Bones – Alzheimer’s Victim Ghetto/Barrio – (EHA) Ethnically Homogeneous Area Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger – Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF) Cheeseburger – Adding Insult to Injury Gang – Youth Group Pimp-mobile, Low-rider – Culturally Responsive Transportation Option Drunk/Trashed – Spatially Perplexed Slum – (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone China – Por
celain Delicatessen – Corpse Farm Charnel House SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs) ——————————— These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth’s Children. DO NOT USE THESE WORDS. (except when telling other people not to use them) IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY: “Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop, Vegetable” READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN’T IT? IT BETTER HAVE. THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS. PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.

The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans

Friday, March 31st, 2006
The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans by John CarneyFrom: (Paul, A Servant Of Jesus Christ)To: allusers@rome.orgCC: (Judaea Online)Attachments: noneSubject: general teachingAlso posted to Usenet newsgroup alt.religion.heresy Even using my off-line mail reader (Papyrus 6.2) the on-line and diskspace charges on my local dial-up Internet provider are outlandish,so I’ll have to keep this short. :) IMHO, the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness of men. }:>U, therefore, have no excuse to pass judgment. God will judge all.BTW, Jews have no right to boast simply because of our ancestry. Circumcision :( is meaningful only if it is inward — otherwise,BFD. Similarly, IBM owners have no right to boast simply because ofthe customer support they receive. In Him we are neither IBM norGateway, Tandy nor Compaq.None of us is righteous. As King David wrote: KD> There is no one righteous, not even one;KD> There is no one who understands, no one who seeksKD> God, no one who has not illegally copied his KD> favorite game program for a friend.But Abraham believed God, and so God credited it to him as *virtual*righteousness.But does this mean we should sin all we want? No way!We must live through the spirit. The law kills O-|-< but the spiritgives life. Offer yourselves as living sacrifices to God. Submit tothe authority of your sysop and your Usenet newsgroup moderator. Payfor shareware if you decide to keep using it. And don't flamesomebody for making a spelling error or failing to read the FAQ list.Nothing is unclean to God, but if something is going to cause yourfellow Christian to sin, delete it from your hard drive. Watch outfor those R- and X-rated .GIF files. I'm hoping to visit Rome later this year; save me a space on thecouch. CUL8er. :) XXX Papyrus 6.2 XXX Unregistered Test Drive Version XXX {RAH}--------------John Carney is a staff writer for the _Shelbyville_ (Tenn., USA)_Times-Gazette_ and an occasional contributor to _The Door_, amagazine of religious satire and commentary.

Millennia Year Application Software System

Friday, March 31st, 2006
Millennia Year Application Software System This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I’ve noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me “I’m a little nervous, I’ve never put anything in MYASS before.” I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say “Here, stick this in MYASS”. This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated “Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS.”