Archive for August, 2007

Dumb Blonde Test

Friday, August 31st, 2007
Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde…yeah right…1.Who do want to be most like in life:A.Vanna WhiteB.Michelle FieferC.Britney SpearsE.None of the Above2.In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you:A.Run when you see the seekerB.Stay hiding until the seeker finds youC.Run when the seeker sees youE.Follow the seeker quietly3.What happens when you get Alzheimers DiseaseA.You loose alot of weightB.Gain weightC.Get really smartD.Loose your memory4.How do you kill a bird:A.Hit itB.Throw it off a buildingC.Cook itD.All of the above5.What’s an important question about pregnancyA.Is it mineB.How far along am IC.Is it a boy or girlD.What hospital should I go to for deliveryDon’t read them this part:Results:1.A=5pts.B=3pts.C=2pts.D=1pt.2.A=4B=5C=2D=33.A=4B=3C=5D=14.A=3B=5C=4D=15.A=5B=1C=3D=2TOTAL:20 =Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19=Pretty Dumb; 10-14=Not Bad; 9-Smart for a Blonde

Three Dogs

Friday, August 31st, 2007
There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,”I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that’s why I’m here”. The next dog said,”I peed on my masters $1,000 rug”. The next dog then comes in and say’s,”My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!”. “And that’s why you’re here?” asked the other dogs. “No, I’m getting my nails clipped.”

Fred and Harry

Friday, August 31st, 2007
Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life… better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life….. as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”Then POOF!…she was gone.After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, “Harry!….Harry!…where are you?”Harry yells, “I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!”Fred screams back…..”DON’T SWING! FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T SWING!

Revocation of Independence

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
To the citizens of the United States of America:In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium” . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for “shit”8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.Thank you for your cooperation.

It’s the same thing!

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied “Happy-Butt”. When hearing this, the teacher said, “Go straight to the principal young lady.” At that, she went to the principal. He asked her why she was in the office, and she said “The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name.” He said “well, what is your name?” she said “My name is Happy-Butt” He said “That’s not a name, I’m looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!” So he looks in the computer, and he says “it lists here that your name is Gladys.” She said “Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-Ass… SAME THING!”