Archive for March, 2008

Help Wanted

Monday, March 31st, 2008
As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry). Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin – among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president. And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds. For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen “refugee”as they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.You will help, won’t you? It costs so little but it means so much. Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.

Harry Butt

Monday, March 31st, 2008
There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.She called it Harrybutt.She had a child and named in Crack.She lost Crack and couldn’t find him.So she called the police and said, ” I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldn’t find my crack!”

Cards You Won’t Find At Hallmark

Monday, March 31st, 2008
“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…………. What was I thinking?”"Congratulations on your wedding day!…………. Too bad no one likes your wife.”"How could two people as beautiful you………… have such an uglybaby?”"I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love……… After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life……….. I neverbelieved in Hell until I met you.”"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am……. that you’re nothere to ruin it for me.”"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!………. I never knew what evil was before this!”"Before you go,……… I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”"Someday I hope to get married………… but not to you.”"You look great for your age…….Almost Lifelike!”"When we were together, you always said you’d die for me……… Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend……. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”"We have been friends for a very long time……….. What do you say we call it quits?”"I’m so miserable without you……………… It’s almost like you’re here.”"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…………… Did you everfind out who the father was?”"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday——— So we’re having you put to sleep.”

Quickies

Monday, March 31st, 2008
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother. 2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from. 3) What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. 4) What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. 5) What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. 6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. 8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass? A mechanic. 9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. 10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut. 11) Jewish dilemma:Free PORK. 12) The three words most hated by men during sex: “Are you in?” 13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: “Honey, I’m home!” 14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting. 15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Cartwheeling Blondes

Monday, March 31st, 2008
What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?A blonde doing cartwheels!