Archive for September, 2008

Universal Grade Change Form

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
____________________UniversityTo: Professor____________________ From: __________________I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should bechanged from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:______ Law School______Medical School ______Graduate School______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in_______________.______5. I’ll lose my scholarship.______6. I’m on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam.______7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles._____10. You are prejudiced against:______Males ______Jews ______Blacks______Females ______Catholics ______Whites______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities______Chicanos ______People ______Students_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance._____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:______mono______broken baby finger______acute alcoholism______pregnancy______VD______fatherhood_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done._____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull._____15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade._____16. The lectures were:______too detailed to pick out important points______not explained in sufficient detail______too boring______all jokes and not enough material______all of the above_____17. This course was:______too early, I was not awake.______at lunchtime, I was hungry______too late, I was tired_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course._____19. Other_____

134 Redneck Warning Signs (Long Joke)

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
1. You’ve ever cut your grass and found a car.2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.5. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.7. You own a homemade fur coat.8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.10. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath.”11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as “the day my ship came in.”12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.14. You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one.16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language.17. Someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”18. Birds are attracted to your beard.19. Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.21. You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.22. You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.23. Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.25. You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. 30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.31. Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.33. You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.34. There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently in the floorboard of your car. 35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.37. You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.40. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.41. You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie. 42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.43. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.45. Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.47. You’ve ever bought a used cap.48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.50. You’ve ever financed a tattoo.51. You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.58. You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. 59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.60. You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.61. You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.65. You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth beforetelling the state trooper to kiss her ass.67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.68. You own a denim leisure suit.69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.71. You’ve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT. 72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.73. You have a rag for a gas cap. 74. The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name onyour arm.77. You’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridgeclearance restrictions. 78. You’ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, “For a good time call….” 79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. 81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signswith beer bottles.83. Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmasdinner.84. All of your four letter words are two syllables. 85. You’ve ever been too drunk to fish?86. You cut your toenails in front of company. 87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.89. Hitchhikers won’t get in the car with you.90. You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.91. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.93. You can spit without opening your mouth.94. You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.95. You call your boss “dude”.96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.97. You have grease under your toenails.98. You consider your license plate personalized because your fathermade it.99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.101. You’ve ever been fired from a construction job because of yourappearance.102. You’ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitutefor toilet paper.105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wife’shair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.109. Your father walks you to school because you’re both in the samegrade.110. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your pick-up does.111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the “Lube Rack”.112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed. 113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it. 115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.117. Your family tree doesn’t fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase “turn off the paved road”.119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you’re at bingo.121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. 123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.124. You’ve been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get afreebie at the “House of Tattoos”.127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle. 132. Your brother and sister get divorced…from each other.133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture…and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.

Park Registration Sheet Comments

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.All the mile markers are missing this year.Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.Need more signs to keep area pristine.A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.Too many rocks in the mountains.

Pilot On Drugs

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
“Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs”10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares9. In between “May I” and “have your attention” there’s a 45 minute pause.8. He’s constantly yelling, “Take that, Red Baron!”7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.5. For the last hour, he’s been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, “Dude! We’re, like, time traveling!”1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop

Robbed A Bank

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard!