Archive for January, 2009

Ode To A Mammogram

Saturday, January 31st, 2009
For years ‘n years they told me, “Be careful of your breasts. Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests.”So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump.”Stand up very close,” she said, As she got my tit in line, “And tell me when it hurts,” she said, “Ah, yes! There! That’s just fine.”She stepped upon a pedal. . . I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!!My skin was stretched ‘n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!!Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!”Take a deep breath” she said to me Who does she think she’s kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting.”There, that was good,” I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. “Now let’s get the other one.” “Lord, have mercy,” I was praying.It squeezed me from the up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I’ll bet she’s never had this done To her tender little hide!If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. . . If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow!!This machine was made by a man, Of this I have no doubt. I’d like to get his balls in there, For months, he’d go “without”!!

Power Of Observation

Saturday, January 31st, 2009
It is recounted that at King’s College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year’s rounds by teaching “a singularly important principle of medicine.”He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. “Diabetes,” he said, “is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic…”By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger.”Now,” said the Registrar grinning, “you have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation.”We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing.”You see,” the registrar said continuing triumphantly, “I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger, not like all you chaps!”

Urine Resample

Saturday, January 31st, 2009
A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued…Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.”Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,” he said, pointing to the urine bottle.”Oh, really?” she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. “In that case, we’d better run it through again…”

Marriage Quotes 2

Saturday, January 31st, 2009
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. – Prof. Irwin CoreyLove matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. – Countess of BlessingtonI’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. – Noel Coward, 1956Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. – Cass DaleyI’d marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead within a year. – Bette DavisLove is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. – Lord DewarI’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about ’short’ and ‘cheap’? – Phyllis DillerNever go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis DillerIt destroys one’s nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. – Benjamin DisraeliHonolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. – Ken DoddAny intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. – Isadora DuncanMany a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir’n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. – Finley Peter Dunne, “Mr. Dooley On Making A Will”, 1919There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. – Encyclopaedia ApocryphiaNe’er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. – Benjamin FranklinA Code of Honor: Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she’s really attractive. – Bruce FriedmanChoose a wife by your ear than your eye. – Thomas Fuller, 1732Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. – Zsa Zsa GaborA man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa GaborI’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa GaborLove is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. – GoetheThank heaven. A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man. – Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting marriedWhen Baby’s cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I’d known that he’d be frozen stiff. My wife said, “George, I’m so unhappy! Our darling’s now completely frappe!” – GrahamIf I were a girl, I’d despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. – Robert Graves

Wrinke Removal

Saturday, January 31st, 2009
An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn’t recognize him at first. “Rob, is that really you?” said the friend. “You look years younger. I didn’t know you had a dimple in your chin.”"It’s not a dimple, it’s my belly button” said the old man and his friend laughed.”If you think that’s funny, take a look at what I’m wearing for a tie!”