Archive for the ‘Dumb Jokes’ Category

An insurance company

Sunday, October 14th, 2007
|Form Feed Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

Welfare applications

Sunday, October 14th, 2007
|For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can’t do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things don’t improve, I will have to send for another doctor. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!

Sunday, October 14th, 2007
|A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

AHH, THAT’S BETTER!

Saturday, October 13th, 2007
|A judge in Louisville decided a jury went “a little bit too far” in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

LEARN YOUR LESSON

Saturday, October 13th, 2007
|When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”