Archive for the ‘Job/Office Jokes’ Category

Photographer works

Friday, September 21st, 2007
|There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk – the ghost which `lived’ there was feared by all.However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm – I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots.The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.So what’s the moral of the story?The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

An old occupation

Friday, September 21st, 2007
|What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.- Old investors never die, they just roll over.- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.- Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….- Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.- Old students never die, they just get degraded.- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.- Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Stock market report

Friday, September 21st, 2007
|Today’s Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Must help the wife

Friday, September 21st, 2007
|Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

Sleeping on the job

Friday, September 21st, 2007
|Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.” 14. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.” 13. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper” 12. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!” 11. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!” 10. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance” 9. “Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.” 7. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.” 6. “The coffee machine is broken….” 5. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.” 4. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!” 3. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!” 2. “I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.” AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: “Amen”