Archive for the ‘Women’ Category

ATM procedures

Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing newDrive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cashwithout leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilisethis facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored tobest reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Open the car window3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and press “enter”5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt6. Close window7. Drive awayPROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM3. Re-start stalled engine4. Open the car window5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card6. Turn radio down7. Attempt to insert card into ATM8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM9. Insert card10. Re-insert card the right way up11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under “Date of Birth”13. Enter PIN14. Press “cancel” and re-enter PIN15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press “enter”17. Retrieve cash and receipt18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside19. Place receipt in back of cheque book20. Re-check make-up21. Drive forward two metres22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind23. Retrieve card24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot25. Drive two or three kilometres26. Release hand brake

What’s the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?

Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
What’s the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

Space shuttle mission to the Moon

Wednesday, December 20th, 2006
There’s a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.The headquarters in the US calls:”Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions.”He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releasesthe oxygen.A few moments later headquarters calls again: “Monkey #2, Monkey #2report to coms for instructions.” He sits down and he is told to addCarbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.A little later on, headquarters calls again: “Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions.” She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says….. “I know, I know!! Feedthe monkeys, and don’t touch a damn thing.”

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing…

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn’t have a stitch of clothing on.Horrified, she let out a shriek.Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly. “Don’t let it bother you,miss,” he moaned. “I’ll never live to tell anyone.”

What’s the difference between women and men?

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
What’s the difference between women and men?One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.