FBI Agent for Hire

August 6th, 2009
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, hesitated, and said “Sorry, I can’t do it.”The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. “Sorry,” he said.The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said “Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!”

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

August 6th, 2009
Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.10. “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.”9. “Show me how you used to spank her.”8. “Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter.”7. “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”6. “I just got my license today.”5. “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped memature.”4. “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”3. “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”2. “Hi. I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.’”1. “So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

The Cremation

August 6th, 2009
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down nextto the grieving widow. “How old was your husband?” he asked.”He was ninety-eight,” she answered softly. “Two years older than Iam.”"Really?” the undertaker said. “Hardly worth going home, wouldn’tyou say?”
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The morning after

August 5th, 2009
Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with apounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recallthe events of the preceding evening. After a trip to thebathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put somecoffee in front of him.”Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was itas bad as I think?”"Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made acomplete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing theentire board of directors and you insulted the president ofthe company, right to his face.”"He’s an idiot,” Bob said. “Piss on him!” “You did,” came thereply. “And he fired you.”"Well, screw him!” said Bob. “I did. You’re back at work onMonday.”

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

August 5th, 2009
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.December 7 Debug Windows ‘98December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.December 11 Lay Faberge egg.December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.December 31 New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.January 1 Stay out of jail.